Painful love.

Some days I just feel empty.

Today is one of those days.

It’s hard to explain the emotional highs and lows we experience as bereaved parents but I might imagine it’s something like the highs and lows you experience as  any parent.  Pain that comes flooding in because of your great love for your child. 

Last night Ted and I had a beautiful evening celebrating my Uncle’s birthday.  We enjoyed dinner with my family, visited his new home & stopped on the way home at a local bar to listen to music and enjoy being outside just the two of us.  It felt nice.  It felt good.  I was happy.

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On the way home we were listening to a Paul Simon song.  Something as simple as hearing a lyric we’ve listen to a thousand times before can be completely different now because life is different.  With a tear streaked face I told Ted even though I know it’s not true, sometimes I still feel like my body failed.  I apologized to Ted because I so very much wanted him to experience being daddy but specifically to a boy.  It was the desire of my heart for him to experience life with Sam.

From the moment I found out we were pregnant with Sam, I knew I would be a protective Mama.  It’s simply hard feeling like I couldn’t protect him even in the womb.  It was my job to carry him and keep him safe until we could hold him in our arms.

I know Ted is a daddy; he’s Sam’s Dad.  But while I was pregnant, my heart was anxiously awaiting Sam’s arrival in large part because I wanted to watch him grow with Ted.  He’s the best husband and I’ve always known he’d be a beautiful father.  When I feel like my body failed, I feel like I failed Ted.

Although my heart is heavy, I find hope that the sun is shining today and it’s a new day.

“Because of God’s tender mercy, the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide us to the path of peace.” (Luke 1:78-79) NLT

My heart finds comfort that the morning light is from heaven.  The same place where our sweet baby resides.  Today I pray for peace.  Today I ask you to pray for us to experience peace in our pain.

3 thoughts on “Painful love.

  1. Oh Abby, there are no truer words than those you’ve written today. As mothers we are excited for so much that we can’t explain, one of the biggest is looking forward to watching our husbands with a son. No doubt daughters are most certainly a blessing, but there are no words to express the sadness of not getting to see our husbands with sons. And i truly understand the questioning of our bodies failing us, but we both know that they didn’t. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers daily, as well as sweet Sam. I only imagine that he and my little man have become the best of friends, and such sweet joy we have knowing we will see them again and that until that day they are in the best hands! Love you Abby!!

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  2. I keep you and Ted in my heart and prayers every day, Abby, as you – and so many of us – love your sweet Sam. It’s a privilege to accompany you in your journey of grief and mourning as painful, difficult and tender as it is . . . your willingness to share so authentically is an act of courage, trust and faith . . . thank you. I began singing the words of a beautiful prayer of blessing, Deep Peace to You, when I read your request . . . please consider yourself sung to J! AND, you might be blessed by hearing and seeing the beauty of this blessing. There are many renditions from which to choose – I found these two for you and Ted: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3CYv83yKME (The Cambridge Singers) and http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6PQRXXn9ko (Bill Douglas). I love you.

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  3. Prayers for peace and healing for you and Ted. I can say nothing to make things better or make you feel better I can only pray for and feel pain in my heart for your sadness .

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