Some days I just feel empty.
Today is one of those days.
It’s hard to explain the emotional highs and lows we experience as bereaved parents but I might imagine it’s something like the highs and lows you experience as any parent. Pain that comes flooding in because of your great love for your child.
Last night Ted and I had a beautiful evening celebrating my Uncle’s birthday. We enjoyed dinner with my family, visited his new home & stopped on the way home at a local bar to listen to music and enjoy being outside just the two of us. It felt nice. It felt good. I was happy.
On the way home we were listening to a Paul Simon song. Something as simple as hearing a lyric we’ve listen to a thousand times before can be completely different now because life is different. With a tear streaked face I told Ted even though I know it’s not true, sometimes I still feel like my body failed. I apologized to Ted because I so very much wanted him to experience being daddy but specifically to a boy. It was the desire of my heart for him to experience life with Sam.
From the moment I found out we were pregnant with Sam, I knew I would be a protective Mama. It’s simply hard feeling like I couldn’t protect him even in the womb. It was my job to carry him and keep him safe until we could hold him in our arms.
I know Ted is a daddy; he’s Sam’s Dad. But while I was pregnant, my heart was anxiously awaiting Sam’s arrival in large part because I wanted to watch him grow with Ted. He’s the best husband and I’ve always known he’d be a beautiful father. When I feel like my body failed, I feel like I failed Ted.
Although my heart is heavy, I find hope that the sun is shining today and it’s a new day.
“Because of God’s tender mercy, the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide us to the path of peace.” (Luke 1:78-79) NLT
My heart finds comfort that the morning light is from heaven. The same place where our sweet baby resides. Today I pray for peace. Today I ask you to pray for us to experience peace in our pain.