Broken hearts.

Today my heart feels broken.  Instead of welcoming Sam into the world, I’m reminded we’re left in a world without him.  I sat quietly in his room this morning looking at all of his things and remembering the memories associated with them.  Our hearts were beyond prepared for his arrival.  My heart aches that he was never able to sleep in his crib, wear his clothes, experience a dirty diaper, be changed on his changing table, bathe in his shower, enjoy the closet his Daddy built for him, rock in the blue chair, cry through a baby monitor in the middle of the night, ride home in his car seat, read his books.  The list is endless.

Instead, I share with you what my heart so desperately wishes it could share with Sam.

I had started to pack his diaper bag ‘just in case’.  I was awaiting my second baby shower before Sam was born.  Instead of celebrating his soon-to-be arrival with my family and friends at my shower, we celebrated his life at his funeral.

We were ready for you, Sam.

Sometimes it is just so hard not living in the ‘what if’s’ but especially today.  What if Sam had been born today?  What if we brought him home this weekend?  What if he could experience our love?  What would it all look like?  Who would he be?  How would he grow?

I continue to ask Ted daily, “Do you think Sam knows how much we love him?” and he faithfully responds, “I know he does.”  My sweet Sam, may you know the depth of my love for you.  May God hold you in His arms until I can hold you again in Heaven.

I love you forever.  I like you for always.  As long as I’m living.  My baby you’ll be.