You watched me as I was being formed in utter seculusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. (Psalm 139: 15-16)
From the moment we found out we were pregnant Ted and I fell in love with hearing Sam’s heartbeat. In between doctor visits, before it was common for him to roll around in my belly, I would grow secretly anxious to hear the sweet beat of his heart. A good friend of ours loaned us her home fetal Doppler so we could enjoy the music any time we wanted. Often at night I would crawl into bed only to make Ted get up, grab the Doppler, some aloe, and toilet paper so we could listen to the loud thumps that made our hearts beat a little faster. Early in my pregnancy we recorded the following video that we were so excited to share with our siblings and my parents. .
“Baby Newton live”, exclaims Ted.
The last time Ted and I had the honor to hear Sam’s heartbeat was Friday, May 22nd. My Mama heart grew anxious that day from Sam’s overall lack of movement. We spent the evening at my parent’s house, with me curled up on their couch under a big red blanket, worried. But when we came home that night – like most nights – we drifted to sleep at the sound of our babies heartbeat. A solid 145 beats per minute.
No one prepares you for the moment you’re laying in a hospital bed with your OB’s hands gently on your legs and she says, “I’m sorry. There’s no heartbeat”. As Sam’s parents, our hearts stopped. Her statement wandered aimlessly over us until our brains could comprehend.
I cling to the truth that Jesus saw Sam before he was born as he was knit together in the darkness of my womb.
As humans I think we can have a hard time accepting that God knew us and had a plan for us – even before birth. It’s easy to question His omniscience when our humanly nature limits our knowledge and understanding. But as a Mama to a stillborn baby it’s a truth that I find easier accepting now than ever before.
David cries out to God, “For I was born a sinner – yes, from the moment my mother conceived me. But you desire honesty from the womb, teaching me wisdom even there.” (Psalm 51:5-6) How precious life must be that God is with us from the moment we’re conceived. He’s teaching us and desiring life with us before we are even born.
How clear it is that we each have a purpose! How important our response.
Just as you cannot understand the path of the wind or the mystery of a tiny baby growing in its mother’s womb, so you cannot understand the activity of God, who does all things. (Ecclesiastes 11:5)