. .Just getting more awesome.

One of the many reasons I was so excited to become a Mama was to finally share in the life and experiences of my Mama friends.  Pre-pregnancy I would giggle when I would see the quote “Everyone I know is getting pregnant and I’m just getting more awesome”.  There’s an honest truth to the quote and an emptiness that follows.

Approximately a year ago, everyone I knew was getting pregnant; including me!  My heart longed to welcome a baby into our family.  With high anticipation I looked forward to sitting around at parties with the other Mamas sharing in dirty diaper stories and talking about how tired I just knew we were all going to be.

I can’t put into words how it feels to know I still fit in the “just getting more awesome” category.  Sam left my arms just as soon as he was placed into them.  While I am a Mama, I know part of me still can’t relate.  I’d be lying if I didn’t share that it feels devastating.  Just like other parents- We grew a baby for nine months; we faithfully prepared for his arrival; we bought clothes and toys and stored up diapers; we had showers and perfectly placed our gifts in our home.  But {thankfully} unlike other parents – we didn’t get to keep our baby.

One night in our hospital room I asked Ted to replay each moment he could remember that we had Sam.  While I never doubt that having a C-Section was the best idea for me personally, there are moments of having Sam that are hard to remember because of the amount of drugs I was given.  One moment my heart may be protecting me from is giving Sam back.  I remember the nurse coming in and asking if we were ready.  Ted and I jointly agreed it was time.  I only remember not being able to give Sam to the nurse; instead I handed him to Ted.  Ted shared that the moment she walked away with Sam I “wailed”.  And I have cried every day since.

With Summer in full bloom comes parties, family functions and friend time which inevitably includes baby time.  All people and things I love.  All things that are now different.  Much different than before.  Before, I wanted a baby and now we’ve had one.  But with the same emptiness I might feel as still fitting into the “just getting more awesome” category comes the emptiness of attending events and not having Sam in tow.

I ask for grace from each of you.  I love my friends and their babies.  It’s possible that giving birth to Sam has made me love each of them even more.  I am looking forward to the joy that comes from watching them grow.  But with the joy will come pain.  Each milestone your little one experiences will be a piece of life that we’re not experiencing with Sam.  Each party will be short of one precious little boy; ours.

I speak for both of us when I say that we are thankful.  Thankful for our friends and the love that they continue to pour over and into us.  Thankful to the ones who mention Sam when they mention their babies.  Thankful for everyone who has acknowledged our pain.  Thankful for each new life and healthy baby welcomed and to be welcomed this year.  Thankful for each of you who tell us daily you’re Thinking of Sam.

From His abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another.(John 1:16)

Rhett Gipe (January, 2015)

Levi Howard (February, 2015)

Crew Jones (February, 2015)

Archer Hays (March, 2015)

Adrienne Brutscher (May, 2015)

Tom Croke (May, 2015)

Sam Newton (May, 2015)

Dexter Bittinger (June, 2015)

Wyatt Hacker (June, 2015)

Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.

(Psalm 119:105)