Time.

Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning,

for I am trusting you. . (Psalm 143:8)

I was surprised to meet the coolness of the day this morning.  I woke up, fixed a pot of coffee and started paying some of the bills that have begun to roll in from Sam’s birth.  I was headed towards the mailbox to send them off and I stopped the moment I stepped out of our garage.

Fall is my favorite season.  I love everything it has to offer.  Cooler weather, blue jeans, sweatshirts, coffee, wine walks, beer walks, pumpkin picking, art festivals, beginning preparations for Christmas – I love it all.  I had recently told Ted lightheartedly that at least I could be sure of what I would be doing come October {The Harvest Homecoming Beer Walk}.

But the moment my body felt the coolness of the morning my thoughts turned to Sam.  I felt a pain deep in my stomach that although I would be doing my favorite things this fall, I would be doing them without him.  How different the cold air feels today as it meets my face.  I thought to myself and quietly shared with God. . I’m not ready for fall or fall-like weather.  Not yet.  My heart needs more time.

I walked inside, grabbed my cup of coffee and sat down to my devotional a sweet friend sent to us shortly after Sam passed away:

“Rest with me awhile,” it reads.  “You have journeyed up a steep, rugged path in recent days.”  Sheeew – it’s got that part right, I thought.  “Trust that I will equip you fully for whatever awaits on your journey.”  God equips {prepares and supplies} us, not just in part, but with everything and for everything in our lives. 

“I designed time to be a protection for you. . .Though I am unlimited by time, it is in the present moment that I meet you.”

Time is a funny thing for us humans.  I can easily confess that I struggle understanding God’s timing.  What a reassurance that He meets us in our present!  I’ve become too acquainted with the platitudes people offer in kind spirit when they don’t know what to say.  *As a side note, I do prefer platitudes as opposed to nothing at all*  One being “it will all work out in God’s time”.  As a Christian who is convinced God knows my heart I am comfortable sharing that this is not a statement I am ‘okay’ with and I think God is ‘okay’ with it.  I’m not at a place where I think losing my baby will just eventually “work out” and I can box Sam away somewhere.  But I am curious what the Bible tells us about God’s time.

Solomon shares “For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.  A time to be born and a time to die.  A time to plant and a time to harvest.  A time to kill and a time to heal.  A time to tear down and a time to build up.  A time to cry and a time to laugh.  A time to grieve and a time to dance.  A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.  A time to embrace and a time to turn away.  A time to search and a time to quit searching.  A time to keep and a time to throw away.  A time to tear and a time to mend.  A time to be quiet and a time to speak.  A time to love and a time to hate.  A time for war and a time for peace.  . . I have seen the burden God has placed on us all.  Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end.  So I conclude there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1-12)

A common but powerful verse.  I find it refreshing that our lives greet us like the weather; in seasons.  This season of our lives is particularly difficult but how sweet it is that there is time for each of our emotions.  God won’t rush us through our feelings.  We can be reassured that it’s okay to cry and grieve and laugh and dance.  His time is called “beautiful” and I need to learn to embrace it.

He gave us hearts that long for eternity.  So when I visit Sam and tell God all I want is to be with Sam – He understands because we were made for something more.  I need to cut myself some slack for my limited knowledge of God’s unlimited time; for we’re told we won’t see our lives in their entirety until we meet Jesus.

When I sit back and really think about our time with Sam and life after, I can see God everywhere.  After our first OB appointment where we met with a different doctor who was clearly brilliant but wasn’t the right fit, we switched doctors.  Ted had said to me “not that anything will happen but if it does we want to be completely comfortable with our Doctor”.  The night we learned Sam’s heart was no longer beating, our OB was on call.  Her grace and love overflowed and continues to overflow to us.

I don’t remember much during my C-section but I do remember being comforted by the worship music playing in the surgical room.

Ted and I have been abundantly blessed by a friendship that came out of our loss.  I had asked our OB for any book recommendations after Sam’s birth and she reached out to a friend who similarly lost her sweet one, Parker, at 41 weeks.  By the time our OB’s message reached her she had already heard of me, Ted and Sam and was praying for us and preparing books for us.

There have been tiny reminders of our boy over the last month.  I’ve tuned in to the waiters and waitresses we’ve encountered named ‘Sam’, seeing his name across the television, hearing it in movies, reading it in books, meeting other bereaved mamas to a Sam.

All these things I can now associate to God’s time.  I am thankful for his presence while I carried Sam and after his birth.  I am entrusting my time to Him and will continue to strive for happiness.  I had a pastor once tell us, “God meets us where we are but loves us too much to leave us there.”  Now I understand.  May God’s love continue to carry us all.