Falling & Getting Back Up.

One of my biggest anxieties is returning to work, seeing the faces of people I love and continuing on in life without Sam.

This morning before I left for yoga class I had committed myself to going to work to drop off a transcript I’ve been working on from home.  Having the work has been a nice change of pace.  It’s allowed my mind to refocus, on my own time, to work.  Hearing the familiarity of the proceedings and voices I know well and transcribing them has brought my heart back to what I love; working.

I had a hard time focusing in yoga class this morning because I knew I had to walk into the city/county building.  It’s difficult to put into words my anxiety – most likely because I don’t really even understand it myself.  At one point in class during a not-so-particularly-hard pose, I literally fell over {which made me laugh then and makes me smile as I type now}.  I know how silly I looked but luckily it was a class of 4 yogis, myself included.  I lost concentration, starting worrying and fell.

I felt a confident peace afterwards and drove myself a few blocks down to work.  I sat in my car for a few moments watching the rain and ran inside through a side door.  Whew, I thought, no one saw me.  I walked with my head down to the elevator which thankfully sat open waiting for me.  I hopped off on the fourth floor and walked to the end of the hall.  I put my key in the door and then it started..

God must have known I needed a moment to be alone because the office was empty as everyone was out to lunch.  I walked in and my entire body started shaking.  I held back tears as I bound the transcript because I didn’t want anyone to see me cry if they walked through the door.  I checked the clock and all I had to do was wait five minutes to see my co-workers.  I know I would have been greeted with hugs and love but all I had to offer in that moment were tears and I couldn’t do it.

I felt like a coward when I walked out.  I shut the door behind me and ran down the steps and out to my car.  I sat in my car and cried.  I called Ted to talk it through because none of it makes sense.  I love my job.  I love my co-workers.  I love the people I see every day.  I love working.  And now I’m terrified.

I always knew life would be so different when I went back to work but this wasn’t the different I was expecting.  Being baby-less, on maternity leave and having to return to work feels dreadful.  All of it.  This maternity leave is nothing like I’d ever anticipated or prepared my heart for.  All the classes and all the books never told  me I could be without Sam and that makes me angry.  Angry that I was so prepared for a life that I don’t get to experience.  Angry that life has to continue.  Angry that I’ll know what it’s like to return to work one day having only held my lifeless baby.

Maybe there are stages to grief and I’m at the very beginning – just in denial before when I said I wasn’t anywhere on the scale.  Like today in yoga when I fell, I’m working on picking myself back up. . .every damn day.  And it can be so, so hard.

Court Reporter

6 thoughts on “Falling & Getting Back Up.

  1. Aww sending you hugs. It is very frustrating and makes me angry that our plans didn’t carry out like they were supposed to. It’s not fair. You are very brave and doing the best that you can. I can’t imagine going back to work. We moved out of state towards the end of my pregnancy so thankfully I didn’t have to go back. I’ll be thinking of you and remember once you do it once, it will get easier.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am so sorry Abby. All I can think to say is maybe there was a reason it was raining there today, so that you did not have to cry alone! I love you and your sweet baby.

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  3. Your lives have an unfortunate new ‘normal’….and it sucks, and it isn’t fair. You are stronger than you know though for waking up every day and carrying on.

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  4. My heart just breaks for you and your family. You really are an amazing person. You will find the courage to return to work, it is so obvious what a strong person you are from reading your blogs. I pray God wraps you in his arms and gives you peace.

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