Sam lives. Jesus lives.

A couple of weeks ago I was digging under my sink and found these.  Before I was pregnant, I never understood why Mamas would take pictures of them, let alone keep them.  I always told myself I wouldn’t because it sounded strange – but I did.  The moment I laid eyes on them again, I cried.

When we first found out we were pregnant with Sam I didn’t believe it.  I took six pregnancy tests {that were all positive}, made a trip to my doctor {who confirmed}, yet still I demanded a blood test from the hospital {that also confirmed} my greatest wish – to become a Mama.

Ted knew right away we were going to be parents from the first positive test.  Looking back, it took so much to convince me because I knew in that moment how blessed my life would be from the sweet one growing inside of me.  I knew my entire world was going to change.  I couldn’t allow myself to fall in love with my baby if I wasn’t completely sure he was real, growing inside of me and would eventually be in my arms.  I couldn’t handle the heartbreak of my dreams not becoming a reality.  When my Doctor called to confirm the blood test I immediately fell – head over heels – in love with our baby.

When your baby dies, you lose futures here on earth.  I lost Sam’s future – I lost my future dreams of life with Sam- Ted lost his future of spending life with his first born son – We lost our future as a family of three.  It’s a lot to lose.  It’s a lot to hand over to God and trust that he still has a plan for our lives.  Hard doesn’t even begin to define the surface of our loss.

My life is blessed because of Sam.  My entire world has changed.  Over 36 weeks, I fell deeply in love with our little boy.  I was given the opportunity to hold him in my arms.  My dreams of becoming a Mama came true with Sam. 

But the heartbreak exists.  I was so concerned that we received a faulty pregnancy test that I couldn’t believe it to be true.  I had no idea that in nine short months I’d have to give my baby to God.

When it was time to give Sam back to the nurses I couldn’t.  I handed him to Ted, who gave him to the nurse.  We would never see Sam’s body again.  Tears easily flow when I think of that moment.  I hindered guilt for not being able to give Sam away.  When the nurse walked away I closed my eyes because I couldn’t watch.  Ted describes the moment and says I wailed.  I wail still, in my heart and through my tears, every day because of that moment.

Someone pointed out to us that in life, Moms hand over their sons to their Dads who teach them how to be men.  Dads send sons away – out into the world.  He said maybe my response to hand Sam to Ted was only natural, and I’ve come to a place where I believe he’s right.

Yet deeper still, we all have to come to a place where we give our lives to God.  I now know what that looks like.  I literally handed mine over to Him on May 24th.  “My old self has been crucified with Christ.  It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me.  So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” {Galatians 2: 19-21}

Jesus died so that we may have life.  Not life here on earth but a forever – with him.  When Sam died in my womb, he immediately went to God.  When I die, I get to see Sam again, because Christ ‘gave himself’ for me.  Life isn’t easy or without heartbreak.  But I hold a quiet confidence in the joy my eternal life will bring.

As a friend reminded me yesterday.  Sam lives.  Jesus lives.  We can only imagine what that day will look like as Jesus smiles and hands Sam back to me.