I write to you from the sky. My mom has previously told me when she flew she felt closer to Sam. I didn’t understand until today. But looking out my window and over the clouds has made me feel just a little closer to Sam’s spirit; above the earth and closer to the heavens.
This morning I woke early to the ‘what if(s)’ of Sam’s life. I relived May 22nd and 23rd, two and one day before his birth. “If I had only gone to the hospital sooner, could I have saved Sam?” A friend told me that’s just my Mama heart. That I would give my life for Sam to have his. I’d like to think that’s true. My OB was concerned last week when I shared with her my feelings of guilt as she reassured me there was nothing any one of us could have done differently.
I just heard the news this week that a new friend of mine lost her twin girls. Double the pain – and my soul just didn’t have the words. Possibly because there aren’t any. Some things I’ll never understand.
I’ve recently started to read ‘When God Weeps’ by Joni Eareckson Tada and she says, “Maybe the notion of a satisfied, untroubled Creator disturbs you,” and somehow after losing Sam it does. But she continues, “But it shouldn’t. For if God is to rescue anyone from heartache he had best not be bleeding himself.”
And how true her words. Sometimes I can admittedly forget that God is all things I’m not. And in my sufferings and pain, he is my Sustainer. In my weakness, he is my Strength. In my sadness, in him I can find joy.
God endured my suffering, my pain, my weakness, and my sadness on the cross. I just need to learn to let him carry me when I cannot. Then, I’m convinced, comes joy.
Today I fly without fear because I know Sam, Ted and I fly with God.