Full Awareness of Full Denial.

Giving birth to a stillborn baby makes your reality so confusing. Everything about me says I’ve had a baby and everything about me says I don’t have a baby. My mind keeps trying to catch up with what my body already knows. I physically knew those first few weeks I was without Sam. My breast milk came with no baby to feed. My c-section was so fresh I couldn’t shower without help.

My mind continuously works to catch up. It sometimes feels as though I now live in a foggy reality. I often fall asleep to the confusion that a few months ago it was uncomfortable to do so. I go home to a house with a nursery specifically made for Sam but where no baby resides. My body has changed because I carried a child for nine months but there’s no proof of him in my arms.

Grieving does mysterious things to our minds. I feel as though I’m wearing a mask, hiding from even myself, the reality that Sam has died. Maybe this is denial?

I know it’s true but I still cannot accept it. Six months later and I still cannot accept it. I want my reality to be so different that I’m denying the reality I live in.

What a hard realization of my own life. I’m fully aware that I’m fully in denial.

I was just so nievely happy and blissfully ignorant about my future.  I miss that.  I want it all back.  I want Sam back.