Full Awareness of Full Denial.

imageGiving birth to a stillborn baby makes your reality so confusing. Everything about me says I’ve had a baby and everything about me says I don’t have a baby. My mind keeps trying to catch up with what my body already knows. I physically knew those first few weeks I was without Sam. My breast milk came with no baby to feed. My c-section was so fresh I couldn’t shower without help.

My mind continuously works to catch up. It sometimes feels as though I now live in a foggy reality. I often fall asleep to the confusion that a few months ago it was uncomfortable to do so. I go home to a house with a nursery specifically made for Sam but where no baby resides. My body has changed because I carried a child for nine months but there’s no proof of him in my arms.

Grieving does mysterious things to our minds. I feel as though I’m wearing a mask, hiding from even myself, the reality that Sam has died. Maybe this is denial?

I know it’s true but I still cannot accept it. Six months later and I still cannot accept it. I want my reality to be so different that I’m denying the reality I live in.

What a hard realization of my own life. I’m fully aware that I’m fully in denial.

I was just so nievely happy and blissfully ignorant about my future.  I miss that.  I want it all back.  I want Sam back.

One thought on “Full Awareness of Full Denial.

  1. I agree with everything you’ve written. Even though it took a while I think my body eventually accepted the absence of my baby but my mind is still not there! You look so happy and beautiful pregnant. My pregnancy pictures make me so sad, j just want to be that happy naive person again!

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