Carry On.

I’ve run for the fourth day in a row this week. I know to some it’s no big deal. You might be saying to yourself that there have only been four days this week, so what’s the big deal?

When I was 30 weeks pregnant I remember feeling totally self conscious. The ‘I can’t wait to get this baby out and be active again’ thoughts started rolling around in my brain. I was concerned with how big my belly was getting and the fact that I’d never weighed as much as I did then. And I felt insecure that I had 10 weeks left to keep gaining weight.

I was looking at my gaining weight all wrong. My doctor never told me I was unhealthy or gained too much. Instead of feeling thankful I was harbouring the greatest gift in life, I was worried about my appearance.

Now, after losing Sam, it’s another piece of the guilt puzzle that could be huge if I let it. The moment he was born I instantly wanted him back in my belly. I wanted to grow larger. I wanted Sam to keep getting bigger. I immediately didn’t mind the stretch marks or the sleepless nights that resulted in bags under my eyes. I’d take it all back in a moment if it meant having Sam.

After he was born, I immediately dropped a lot of weight. Looking back to seven months ago I now realize it was my body in shock. I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping, I spent most of my days crying, and never moved from the comforts of my living room.

As time has passed the weight has slowly come back and it hasn’t bothered me a bit. Completely unmotivated, losing weight just felt like another loss, it felt like losing Sam. Coming home from a long days work as a loss Mom is exhausting. Sometimes I wonder how exhausted I would be if Sam were alive. I’d imagine it’s a different type of exhausted but the one I feel is debilitating. My mind has worked so hard all day to stay focused that the moment I reach the peacefulness of my home, my body tells me it’s okay to relax and I crumble. Most often onto the couch or under the covers of my bed. I can finally hide from the world.

But here I am, getting ready to welcome a new year.

Something has connected in my heart this week how exhausting it is to be so exhausted. On Monday I told Ted that if I didn’t sweat, I might go crazy. Literally. My emotions can feel so out of control that even crumbling onto the couch feels like too much.

New years mean new things.

I’ve been feeling anxious now that it’s the eve of 2016. I explained it before as yet another loss. This is the year of Sam. The summer of Sam. The year I’ve felt the greatest type of love. The year I’ve experienced the greatest type of loss. The year I’ve endured the hardest type of pain. 2015 has simultaiounsly been the best and worst year of my life.

Leaving this year behind makes me wonder with concern, anxiety, happiness, sadness, fullness, emptiness, and so much more what 2016 will offer to my family of three.

I ran three times this week. It doesn’t pale in comparison to the three miles a day I was running at lunch with my dad four times a week – what feels like a lifetime ago, but it’s something. I’ll never be who I was before.

But this new year I’m going to accept me. I deserve that. Life isn’t about comparing yourself to anyone, even yourself.

This summer I lost myself in the lyrics of Carry On by Fun. “If you’re lost and alone or you’re sinking like a stone. Carry on. May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground. Carry on.”

And because we have to carry on into next year, we do. But it’s nice to know my feet are on the ground, jumping into the new year with a husband that I’ve never loved more. A little man I’ve only held once but resides in every place of my heart and life. Leaping with family who have carried me through the darkest of my days. With friends, new and old, who have taught me about unconditional love. And with other loss Moms and their babies who I now call my sisters and Sam’s cousins. I wouldn’t be greeting 2016 if it weren’t for each of you.

Thank you for standing by me this year. Thank you for welcoming the new year with me and with Sam alive in your hearts. Let’s carry on to 2016 with happiness.

{{As a side note, I am so thankful to have a husband who tells me I am beautiful no matter what. Ladies, that’s where it’s at. A man who loves your body and you for what it is and who you are. You’re the best, Ted!}}

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