I shared on my personal Facebook page today that when I got to work this morning I received a message from a friend with the following picture that said, “Looked like you all were up here already but I plowed the road and cleaned off Sam’s area.”
I sat at my computer and just stared at my screen. I felt tears well up but they never fell. I just kept staring. Over the last nine months Ted and I have seen, without any doubt, the best side of our friends, family and community. We’re continually amazed at the outpouring of love that we’ve received; that Sam’s received. But today, this act of love, left me speechless as it’s quite possibly the most beautiful gift yet.
I wrote on Facebook about how these two particular friends have been the hands and feet of Jesus. And I mean it with all that my heart has to offer.
I immediately told my husband to look at my Facebook page and he replied in an email to me that said, “We should go to church with them.” to which I immediately replied, “Yes, we should.” It had me thinking about church all day. It had me thinking about God. It had me thinking about seeing God in these two friends. It made me wonder if people still see God in me.
A few weeks ago, for the first time since Sam was born and while I was home alone, I sat in the darkness of my living room alone and sobbing the way only a loss Mom can understand and I said the words I thought I would never say. I yelled, “I’m so mad at you, God.” And I meant it. I still do.
It’s hard on my heart to think that I’ve never seen such unfailing love in people like I have over the last nine months. I know it could equate to nothing short of God’s intervention, yet I still find myself so broken and lately closed off to God. My entire life I’ve never been in this place.
I know my Mom will read this blog and think “Oh my!” and text me that she loves me and she’s praying for me but I’m still looking for something more. Not from my Mom but from God. I still know who my savior is. I still know where Sam is. I still have hope that there’s a place for me there. I just still don’t know why.
Part of me thinks I never will. Part of me says I’m okay with that because one day I will. And part of me says I’m not okay because I know how big my God is and I want to know.
I sat in my car this afternoon before I got out to visit Sam and listened to the radio. Because of my friends act of love, I tuned in on the way home for the first time in months to WAY-FM. Ever Be was gently playing in the background of my thoughts.
“Your love is enduring through the winter rain. And beyond the horizon with mercy for today. Faithful You have been and faithful you will be. You pledge yourself to me and it’s why I sing. Your praise will ever be on my lips, ever be on my lips.”
I knew in that moment that his praise will ever be on my lips.
I visited Sam and got back into my car and heard Big Daddy Weave sing,
” I hear the sound of Your Voice.
All at once it’s a gentle and thundering noise,
Oh God, all that You are is so overwhelming.
I delight myself in You.
Captivated by Your beauty.
I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You”
Immediately I flashed back to being pregnant and in church. I specifically remember this song playing one Sunday when my belly was very heavy with a sweet, alive, baby Sam. I remember praising God in that moment, swaying back and forth to the lyrics, rubbing Sam in my belly and feeling very overwhelmed by God and his love for me, and most definitely for Sam.
But when I heard them in my car tonight I immediately thought “I am overwhelmed by God”. Nine months later and my definition of overwhelmed has completely shifted. It’s clear retrospectively that God didn’t change. I have.
My heart of hearts knows that what I’ve always known true about God still holds true today. He’s been faithful before and he will be faithful again. One day I hope to be overwhelmingly captivated with his beauty again.
In an effort for my blog to stay true to me, which was the entire reason I started writing in the first place – to chronicle my journey of grief, it only feels right to share my post today. Anger is a very real part of my journey without Sam. My hope is that while navigating through my anger and in my lament, I can continue to live amidst God’s grace.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV