I am a Warrior.

Today Ted and I had lunch at one of my favorite lunch spots in downtown New Albany.  When we arrived we sat across the small restaurant from a fairly new family of four.  There was a beautiful Mama and Dad with their twin boys who definitely weren’t enjoying lunch as much as the rest of us.

The brick walls of the restaurant only amplified the sounds of the tiny space.  The sweet twins’ parents looked uncomfortable with the semi-loud echos of their children’s cries within the restaurant.  We watched them gobble down their lunch and sweep their children away in love.  The entire time my heart wanted to run over to their table and tell them this.

Enjoy those screams, sweet parents.  One day your boys will be grown and the chaos of twin toddlers will only be etched in your memory.  Dine slowly.  You, Mama, have clearly earned your Mimosa so you should enjoy it.  Cheers, Dad.  You so gently loved on your family of three but the uncomfortableness was written all over your face.

I could sit back and watch your lunch through my loss Mom lenses as a Mama who yearns to hear the cries of her baby alongside a Dad who so honestly wishes his arms were filled with a thriving, crying toddler.

This week in yoga Carrie has been leading us in how to reach freedom through our asana practice.  I’ve really struggled this week both physically and mentally in my practice and off the mat.

This Sunday I leave for Landon’s Legacy Retreat. It’s a six day holistic healing yoga retreat in Canada. Amelia, the host, has already connected the Mamas who are attending through social media. Welcoming them into my life feels like a giant blessing and a wicked curse.

Preparing your heart for a week of living with Mamas who understand is indescribable. Joy that we can share openly and nervousness of the vulnerability it will bring. Thankfulness that I am not alone in my grief journey yet sadness that such beautiful women are also living with empty arms. Sam hold such a sacred place in my heart. The same place where I know all the other Mamas hold their babies.

Maybe this week of liberation in my asana practice has been hard because the innerparts of my soul still don’t feel free. But I’m trying. I keep returning to the mat. I keep waking up and giving my best towards each day. Just as I observed the uncomfortableness of the family at lunch today, so too do I observe where my life feels difficult. Because my heart secretly urged that Mama to enjoy her time, then so will I.

Lest I forget, I am a warrior.

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