Recently I was having a conversation with a friend and he asked me how I was with God. It didn’t take much time for me to respond, “For the first time in my life, I’m really not sure.” I shared with him that often times I wonder – why me, to which his voice returns in my head from a conversation we had years before Sam was born about something unrelated where he asked me, “Well, why not you?”
Why not me, then? Why wouldn’t I be one of the 23,600 Moms last year whose baby died before birth in the United States? Did I assume that God would have special favor on me and allow my baby to be delivered healthy and alive?
Yes, actually I did.
Now I know that’s silly. I’m not a saint, in fact I’m so far from it. There’s nothing I’ve done or haven’t done to deserve a special exemption from God. But I never dreamed that he would allow me to suffer the ceaseless ache that’s resulted from Sam’s death.
Fourteen months later seeing pregnancy announcements, birth announcements, first birthdays, little boys, tiny clothes, living babies – it isn’t any easier. My heart still swells at the thought of the life I should be living. The life I wanted with Sam.
I shared with him that someone told me once the decisions we make in our lives have ripple effects. Sometimes I wonder if Sam was a ripple effect. Would he have lived if I had lived differently?
If you’re reading, before you think I’ve gone off the deep end, I know it’s not true but I don’t always believe it. But it’s worth mentioning. The hard emotions are worth writing and sharing because that’s what’s real.
Poppy’s Mom, Katie, reminded me once that some days – most days – we have to mother ourselves.
We loss Moms have so much love stored up, ready to use, eager to pour into our babies, and because we can’t – we must flood ourselves with love.