I’ve often heard Ted share that a difficult part of his journey as a loss Dad revolves around watching me and the pain that ebbs and flows so easily in my life. I remember sitting in grief counseling with him one night and he shared, “Abby was just so excited to become a Mom” and followed by telling our counselor how he supposes most girls dream about it but he’d never seen anyone so excited to become pregnant.
Last night he went to a much needed guys night with some of his friends. I treated myself to a pedicure, hooked up with some friends for a few beers and then came home and plopped myself on the couch. I decided to fire up from the beginning, this year’s season of America’s Got Talent. I immediately became entertained until Ted came home.
I’ve never really watched the show before but now I’m hooked! I was mesmerized mostly by the children. I remember being a little girl and dancing without fear across my bedroom, karaoke mic in tow, rocking out to Shania Twain, and shaking my God-given hips. Except these kids were doing it in front of hundreds of people; and doing it so well.
At one point a contestant was pushed through to the next level and ever so faintly in the background played Christina Perri’s – A Thousand Years. I sat there watching, listening to the song that we played as my bridesmaids walked down the aisle at our wedding, and burst into tears.
I sat there wondering who Sam would have been. The sky is the limit with babies. I dream big and I have no idea that whatever he chose to do, I’d be to the side of the stage crying along with him, cheering him on, with a heart so full of hope for his possibilities.
Ted was right when he shared with our counselor – All along I knew I would be a Mom. Time brought his heart to me. I have loved Sam for a thousand years and I will love him for a thousand more.
The last two weeks have been a struggle for me. I keep replaying moments with Sam over in my head, specifically the morning he was born. My entire pregnancy I had planned to do immediate skin-to-skin contact with him. I had all our breastfeeding plans organized and I had read that immediate skin-to-skin with your baby promotes it. When I found out he would be born still, the nurses asked me if I would like to see Sam immediately or have him cleaned up first. I chose the latter.
So many times over the last year I’ve sat Sam Bear on my chest to feel Sam’s weight. I never felt Sam on my heart. I’ve had this reoccurring image of Sam’s body on my chest when I go to sleep each night. I’ve harbored the hope that one day, I’ll look down to see Sam’s brother or sister alive and freshly nuzzled under my chin. I dream in the silence of my home what a crying baby sounds like as he enters his way into the world and I so desperately want to experience it.
I went to yoga tonight. As we finished what was a hard practice for me and entered into savasana, quietly playing in the background was the instrumental version of A Thousand Years. I laid there feeling as though Sam were reaching down and hugging me and confirming that he too, will love me for a thousand more.