Bleeding with a Broken Heart.

Meet Lion,

I’ve been carrying her {Yes, her.  I will never know but I thought our second baby was a girl.  I thought Sam was a boy.  Call it Mother’s intuition.} around with me since yesterday.

I’ve shared before but I’ll share again that the day we left the hospital after Sam was born Ted bought me an elephant we now call Sammy.  He handed me the wrapped present and when I opened it he said, “No mother should have to leave the hospital with empty arms.”

Yesterday, while Ted and I were preparing for my operation our Pastor retold the story as he remembered it to my parents.  Dad, being the man he is, headed straight for the gift shop.

After leaving recovery I was once again greeted by Ted and a gift bag.  I said, “You bought me something?” to which he replied, “Your Dad did.  He wanted me to tell you I bought it but it’s from him.”

I opened the bag to see Lion.  My new best friend.

I’ve clutched her close since yesterday.  In fact, tomorrow I might put her in an oversized bag and take her to work with me.  She’s my only proof now.

There’s no c-section scar.  There’s no extra baby weight.  There’s not nine months of memories.  There’s me.  Still bleeding with a broken heart.

I can’t help but wonder how many more times I’ll leave the hospital with a stuffed animal?  Our bed is getting pretty full.  Ted and I were enjoying Lion last night and he said, “It can’t sleep with us.” To which I replied a silent stare.  He laughed and said, “Maybe tonight but it can’t travel with us.” We’ll see about that.

My Mom text me tonight and asked how I was.  Here’s the real truth.  Here’s my reply.

“I’ve been bleeding and that makes me sad. I’m tired. I just feel sad that it’s all over. I feel defeated. I don’t feel like I want to try to be pregnant for a long time now. I’m just going to focus on me for the time being. I’m over trying to mother living children. I feel like a sad story. I miss Sam intensely. I wish this baby would have lived longer. I don’t wish for stillbirth but I feel cheated.”

Tonight I have an overwhelming need to share Lion.  To keep talking.  To be loud.  My heart is in a million pieces scattered at sea.  I don’t know that it will ever be put together again.

But like a lion, I will be brave.

I’ve told so many friends today that this loss was different because I knew going in you can live through grief.  I’ve spent the last year and a half of my life working overtime on grief work.  It’s more than a full time job.  But I know I am capable of surviving.

Yesterday my friend Kati called it salt on my very open wound.  She’s right.

But I refuse to be silent.

You will hear me roar.

 

3 thoughts on “Bleeding with a Broken Heart.

  1. I’m SO sorry Abby, you shouldn’t have to go through this- just not fair. Keeping sharing and talking about your experiences as it touches so many people. Sending you lots of love!

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  2. I very much approve of Lion 🦁

    We have many stuffed toys in our bed, and will always have them. I’ve managed to only take them away on overnight trips so far!

    I agree with what you said about grief, it just rolls into your existing grief and you know how to do it. It’s a very ridiculous thing, that you can handle something like that, because you are now an expert. The universe really is cruel.

    Much much love, xxxx

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  3. Abby my heart is full of sadness for you. I pray for your heart to be full again and for laughter to fill your soul. So glad you have the family and support group there for you.
    Lion is beautiful Does she have a name? I feel Lilly the Lion would be a lovely name for her. God be with you. XX

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