It’s Saturday, October 1st at 10:30 in the morning and I am writing with half my body still wrapped up under the covers of my bed. Monday through Friday I wake up before the sunrise. I’ve gone rogue for this mornings Capture Your Grief project by sleeping in.
As I lay here in the quiet of my bedroom Sam’s absence does not go unnoticed, nor Lion’s in what should have been the beginning of my tenth week of pregnancy.
I’d imagine that right now had life gone like I had planned, quiet mornings would be a distant memory. But for me they’re not.
I went out last night with two of my life long friends, Jennifer and Morgan. Those two girls know how to sooth my soul. Makers Mark held the event, Friday Trolley Hop: Red out the Avenue with Markers Mark! We rode around on a trolley, adorned in red wigs provided by Marker’s Mark, laughed the entire night, drank a lot of really good alcohol, and danced the night away.
If I’m completely honest, and I am, not once last night while hopping around town with these beautiful women did I think to myself this isn’t what I should be doing right now.
I’ve spent a lot of time wishing my life were so drastically different, but it’s not. I cannot change that Sam died. I cannot change that I miscarried Lion. I can only embrace what is.
I am a loss Mother.
I am a grieving Mother.
I am in a constant state of surviving grief.
I didn’t greet the sun today, but I don’t think Sam or Lion would mind. Something tells me they’d tell me to stay in bed for however long my heart desired.
Loving yourself in this life after loss can be tricky. Some days the grief is beaming down, burning hot and some days it’s tucked away behind the clouds. It’s always there. But “Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.” – Victor Hugo, Les Miserables
Thinking of Sam 