I don’t have anything motivating or moving to write about today.
Day 5 – Unspoken.
Sometimes the unspeakable happens. I took a phone call this morning from a nurse at my OB’s office who informed me that Lion’s pathology testing came back and everything looked normal. The bad news? The lab tech accidentally put the “sample”, as she called it, in the wrong solution instead of the correct saline solution which contaminated the tissue, and the genetic testing my OB recommended we have will not be able to be completed.
“But this doesn’t alter how we’ll handle your next pregnancy,” she lightheartedly assured me.
My next pregnancy? Are you fucking kidding me? Maybe I wanted to know if my second dead baby had a genetic problem that I need to be aware of in case I ever decide being pregnant again is what I want?! Maybe someone should be held responsible for being so careless with my “sample”. Maybe I had to prepare my heart to say ‘yes’ this time to testing when we opted out of an autopsy with Sam.
And now I’ll never know, at least not about Lion.
I want to give today a giant ‘fuck you’.
When I told my Mom this morning she text me and told me she was sitting at her desk crying. I wrote her back and said, “Me too. I feel sick and mad and hopeless and sad and angry and hate-filled.” My Dad came upstairs to my office with tears in his eyes and just hugged me.
Not much has ever gone unspoken when it comes to me. You want me to capture my grief? Here it is; in it’s purest, ugliest form.