Let It Be Me.

I exist in a state drifting somewhere between comprehending that Sam is no longer the baby of our family and heart broken because physically he always will be.

Two nights ago before I fell asleep I knew when I woke up my sweetest niece Vivienne would be entering the world today.  It’s the craziest thing when my family members who I consider my best friends become pregnant and then give birth to healthy, thriving children.

My soul shines with thankfulness at the new life the women closest to me can bring into the world.  When I was driving in to work yesterday morning I thought about my relationship with my aunts and how special they are to me.  I hope as our Vivienne grows she’ll cherish me as much as I already do her.

This week the words of Ray LaMontagne rang through my heart as I fell asleep and tonight they still do.

There comes a time
A time in everyone’s life
Where nothing seems to go your way
Where nothing seems to turn out right
There may come a time
You just can’t seem to find your place
And for every door you open
Seems like you get two slammed in your face

Feels like you’re always coming up last
Pockets full of nothing and you got no cash
No matter where you turn you ain’t got no place to stand
You reach out for something and they slap your hand
Now, I remember all too well
Just how it feels to be all alone
You feel like you’d give anything
For just a little place you can call your own

Let it be me.  

Let it be me.  

Let it be me.

Let it be me.

Let it be me.

Let it be me.

I cannot fathom being pregnant again right now but I want it to be me.  I want to be the one welcoming a living child.  I want our pastor to pray over us for a safe delivery of a baby we know will live.  I want my parents anxiously waiting for the birth of another Newton baby.  I want to be nine months pregnant and uncomfortable.  I want to have a baby dancing in my belly at all hours of the night.  I want a 20 week scan showing me our babies gender but more importantly, the baby is healthy.  I want to share the news with our friends and family we’re pregnant.  I want a positive pregnancy test.  I want to have hope that it will be me.  I want something.  Let it be me.

The reality is, it isn’t me.  I’ve seen five pregnancy announcements since Sunday.  Each time I wonder why it wasn’t me.  Most of me wonders when our God of love will start loving me. 

Unafraid like a lion I roar I’m suffering, but like Sam’s birth it comes out silent.

My pain in no way negates my love for Vivienne.  My ache has taught me how to love her more, real, authentically, and genuinely.  I held her and had a hard time letting go.  I kept my eyes on her sleeping ones.  My mama lovingly said, “This is it!  This is all she does.”  To which I whole-heartily replied, “It is enough.”  It might not be visible to the eye but she’s changing in every moment.  She’s growing.  She’s experiencing life completely new; quasi-similar to how I’ve experienced it over the last year and a half.  Her parents are so lucky.

I went back to the hospital with Ted last night.  I told him he had to meet Vivienne because she’s magical.  He held her and stared much like I did.  He touched his nose to her head and breathed in the same sweet newborn baby aroma that we haven’t smelled since Sam.  I watched him and thought of the time we left Floyd ourselves the first time.  Unbeknownst to me he placed a call into Labor and Delivery and asked if they used special detergent when they washed baby blankets.  He wanted us to keep Sam’s scent forever.

Let it be Ted.  Let him experience fatherhood to a living child.  Let it be me who grows and sustains his baby until it’s living birth.  Let it be us.

I live in a tornado of emotions continually balancing happiness and sadness & life in grief.

The most beautiful thing happened yesterday, Vivienne was given life.

My heart aches because there’s no way for me to offer life to Sam or Lion anymore; so let it be me.



2 thoughts on “Let It Be Me.

  1. My journey is SO different than yours, and I cannot fathom the things that you feel, but I can identify with much of what you post and often find myself in tears reading, because you often say things about how you feel that I have not yet been able to put into words. I have not yet been pregnant… but I desperately want to be. 26 months of trying. Nothing. I start IVF injections today. My best friend is due next month, and 2 of my sisters just announced they are expecting – along eith what feels like countless others. Its all so painful.
    I’m angry with you, heartbroken with (and for) you. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’ve been following it for some time now and I’m hopeful for you.


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