When There Is No Choice. 

It begs to be addressed how disheartened I feel each time I’ve logged into Facebook since the final presidential debate.

I did not watch the debate.  I watched the prior two and I decided my heart needed a rest but choosing not to watch didn’t protect me from immediately hearing other people’s opinions about it.  Abortion; a wildly debatable topic that was magnified by TWO misinformed presidential candidates.  Generally, when we blast out our thoughts and opinions on Facebook we’re not thinking of our readers and what impact it might have on their lives.

The night I checked myself into and out of the ER because I was bleeding in my eighth week of my second pregnancy I was sent home to ‘naturally miscarry’ my baby whose heart was no longer beating.  I was terrified.  I received my discharge paperwork and it wasn’t until I got home that I realized my miscarriage was entitled “missed abortion”.  Abortion.  As though I had some decision in whether or not my child lived.

In the following days I saw my OB and together with my husband we decided it would be best for me to have a D&C.  It wasn’t until later that I realized the procedure is the same for an abortion.  I carry this with me every single day.  What is better when your baby has died?  Naturally miscarry at home and alone, which is not a day long process or check yourself into a hospital for a D&C?

I guess I don’t know.  But here’s what I do know..

My baby had already died.

My first baby died at 36 weeks. 

I knew he was dead in my womb.

There’s an article floating around Facebook this week of a woman who aborted her child at 32 weeks.

32 weeks.  I’ve seen loss Moms and friends share their support for late term abortions.  For the life of me, I cannot understand why.  I feel so much anger towards comments like these.  If I had the opportunity to carry Lion or Sam longer, I would have.  If I had the opportunity to give them life, take mine.  If I knew they were only going to live in my womb, I’d carry them anyway.  It’s still life.  It’s their life.  It’s the only life I’ve ever experienced with our children.

I laid in bed last night and willed myself to read this woman’s story then I followed up by reading the comments on someone else’s Facebook page.  Someone wrote, “I fiercely love my 3 amazing children, but I would not be able to give them what they need, on any level, if I was forced to bring more babies into our home.”  Forced to bring more babies home.  How lucky for her to have so many children that she gets to choose when her children deserve life.  Especially when there are mothers like me, like my friends, who never leave the hospital with their children.  When there are mothers struggling to get pregnant.  When there are women experiencing infertility.

My ‘missed abortion’ medical bills are still arriving in our mail.  We’re talking about a $13,000.00 procedure that some women are using as birth control.

The loss Mom world is aching this week and there will never be adequate words to explain why.  We log on to Facebook to survive with each other and we’re greeted by giant triggers.

Georgia’s Mama, Rachel, insightfully shared, “I guess I’m just still so deeply angry. Angry that there is so much talk about babies right to live, especially “late term”, yet there’s never any talk of the rights of babies who just die, like Georgia, with no explanation–and it’s just accepted. No progress being made to change these outcomes. Discouraging mothers from doing autopsies, or even just some blood work on the baby that might give insight to prevention. Nobody picketing with signs and yelling about the 1 in 160…”

When our babies are born still, there’s no signed birth certificate, yet they were alive.  Sam lived for 9 months.  Why are we as a nation not recognizing these children as life?   We mothers who suffer silent births should not have to suffer silently afterwards.

Meet baby Benjamin.

He’s the beautiful boy of our friends, Amy and Tim.  Baby Ben’s story is important.  Amy shares, “We were given an extremely poor prognosis for Benjamin at 32 weeks. He was unable to breathe at birth and was resuscitated and intubated among many other procedures. He then required another resuscitation a few days later and received many medications for pain throughout the majority of his NICU stay. We are fortunate that everything worked out, and he is now healthy and thriving. I know not every story turns out so positive, but we never once gave up.”

I scream it from the rooftops.  I write it in each post; their lives matters.  Georgia’s, Sam’s, Lion’s, Benjamin’s.  It’s time we start acting that way.  It’s time we speak life.

I’ve held a dead baby in my arms. He was and is mine.  For those of us who had no choice, the thought of choosing takes the life out of us.