Tears Like Rain.

I had my hair highlighted yesterday by my girlfriend, Jessica.  I love getting my hair done.  We agreed it’s like a fresh start once you look in the mirror and think to yourself man, my hair looks bad.

This morning I woke up determined to make it a good day.  I rose early, showered, fixed my hair {most days I leave it to its own devices after my shower} and dressed myself something pretty.  I was on time and feeling good.  I peeked out my bedroom window to what appeared to be a grey morning but no rain.  I grabbed my coffee and headed out the door.

The moment I left my subdivision the rain began to fall and soon thereafter I realized I didn’t have my umbrella.  No big deal, I thought to myself, I’ll parallel park next to the building and run in.  When the building was in view I quickly took note there were no parking spots remotely close to the building and I became really pissed off.  I parked a few lots away and ran in the rain cussing the entire time.  Before I entered the building I caught a glimpse of my drenched reflection in the door.  A few more cuss words flew out under my breath as I caught the elevator.  I immediately went into our Jury Room to really get a look at myself.  My nose was running, my hair amok and my clothes were wet.  What happened next was a true girl moment.

I flew into our office feeling defeated and looked at Lauren, my always cool, calm and collected co-worker and said, “I’m about to have a mental breakdown,” and started crying.  She asked if I wanted to talk about it to which I replied, “NO” and talked about it anyways.

“I’m tired of getting rained on,” I said.  “I always try so hard and for what? I just get rained on.”  My loving Lauren hugged me while I cried and just listened.  My tears that fell as easily as the rain were much more than just feeling angry that I took the time to get ready this morning to have it all wiped away.  It was something more.

If I’m honest I must share that I’ve just been tired lately, of people and just shit.  People are still complaining about the election.  Tired.  My primary care physician terminated our patient-doctor relationship at the end of last week after I spent the week being sick.  Tired.  Some days it feels like my grief has been mirrored by others when it’s all I have left of Sam.  Tired.  I’ve yet to visit Sam this month.  I have his Christmas tree from last year just waiting for me to get the courage to place it at his grave.  Tired.

I’ve tried so hard since the week before Thanksgiving to appear put together when my heart feels otherwise.  I’ve given it my best attempt to carry myself with grace as though this isn’t our second holiday season without Sam.

It feels as though last year people were watching and waiting for moments like I have now and they didn’t come because I was cocooned in everyone’s understanding that I was broken.  This year it feels as though everyone’s lives have slowly adapted back to a pre-Sam state while I try hard to catch up.

Two.  I have to remind myself that this is only my second time experiencing Christmas without my baby and even more, that I lost another child this year.

It’s okay to have mental breakdowns.

I’m allowed to grieve, even still.

Lauren grinned and said, “At least we have donuts this morning!”  There’s an attorney, Craig, who buys us the largest, sweetest, most delicious donuts known to man and brings them when he comes to Court.  I went to our kitchen and found the biggest for my breakfast.  Craig appeared in our office and I said, “Hi!  You saved my morning.  Thank you for our donuts.”  He smiled, looked out our windows and replied, “You’re welcome.  I know it’s rough out there.”

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