Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. The five stages of grief according to the Kübler-Ross model. Unless I'm still in denial (which I don't think I am) I'm not sure I fit anywhere in particular on this scale. The stages that books, nurses and counselors tell me we will jump to and from in no specific order.…
Baby Newton live.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seculusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. (Psalm 139: 15-16) From…
I surrender.
Before Sam was born Ted shared with me his excitement to look in his review mirror and see Sam riding in his backseat. Now we both feel the emptiness behind us. Ted tells me some of his loneliest moments are on his way to work, when he would have been dropping Sam off at daycare,…
Joy in Suffering.
The sun is out and it makes my heart happy. All weekend I was saddened by the thought that it was going to rain all week long as forecasted, and I would be home enduring storms while Ted was working. This afternoon I give thanks for the heat of the day and His light upon…
Father’s Day.
Today is Father's Day. Today is Ted's first Father's Day. Today is exactly one month since Sam was born to Jesus. Every Sunday that passes is another week that we are learning to live with the loss of Sam. Neither Ted or I were particularly excited for this day to come. With heavy hearts, we…
Blessing Amidst Disappointment.
During my pregnancy I read a few different books and articles on breastfeeding. So many times people asked me if I planned to breastfeed and I always had. After Sam was born I was told I would still produce milk because Sam was a late term loss. The only way to suppress the milk is to bind…
Broken hearts.
Today my heart feels broken. Instead of welcoming Sam into the world, I'm reminded we're left in a world without him. I sat quietly in his room this morning looking at all of his things and remembering the memories associated with them. Our hearts were beyond prepared for his arrival. My heart aches that he was never able to sleep in…
Due Date
Tomorrow was Sam's due date. I don't have many words to describe how I feel today or how I will feel tomorrow. Instead I've decided to share pictures of my growing belly over the last 40 weeks. I am beyond thankful to have carried Sam with me for 36 of them. During the last…
Your presence.
Something I wasn't prepared for is how physical grief can be. I'll never forget the morning Ted and I left the hospital. We decided the day before to take the morning easy and leave on our own time later in the afternoon. We woke up and Ted went down to Starbucks located inside the hospital…
Painful love.
Some days I just feel empty. Today is one of those days. It's hard to explain the emotional highs and lows we experience as bereaved parents but I might imagine it's something like the highs and lows you experience as any parent. Pain that comes flooding in because of your great love for your child. …
Thinking of Sam 