Day 1 – Sunrise.

It's Saturday, October 1st at 10:30 in the morning and I am writing with half my body still wrapped up under the covers of my bed. Monday through Friday I wake up before the sunrise. I've gone rogue for this mornings Capture Your Grief project by sleeping in. As I lay here in the quiet…

Stitch Fixing Myself Together.

Tonight marks the last Wednesday night golf scramble or so I'm told by my husband.  Another Wednesday night where I can get stuff done (or not) while he's out with the guys. Ted asked me what I was going to do tonight to which I replied, "Oh, I'll find something!" Fall is quickly closing in…

Deep Grief and Great Love.

A constant state of emptiness surrounds me. A hole, now larger than the size of Sam ripped open to make room for Lion, exists within me. Before we were discharged from the ER, three different nurses on three different occasions had the lack of bedside manner to wish me a "Happy Early Birthday". They were…

Inside I’m Screaming.

Do you remember being a child and wanting something really bad?  Then your parents tell you you cannot have it and immediately, your response is to break down.  It doesn't matter where you are.  There's no relief because you're not getting what you want so you throw a fit.  You cry and you scream and…

Bleeding with a Broken Heart.

Meet Lion, I've been carrying her {Yes, her.  I will never know but I thought our second baby was a girl.  I thought Sam was a boy.  Call it Mother's intuition.} around with me since yesterday. I've shared before but I'll share again that the day we left the hospital after Sam was born Ted…

I Carried & Miscarried Our Rainbow.

The following is a compilation of the blog posts from the last two months of my life that have been sitting in my queue, and until now have gone unpublished.  Over the last two months I carried and miscarried our rainbow baby. Unwritten because I was on vacation the week of September 5th, we saw…

Joan. Maeve. Caoroline. Maeve.

I'm awake early this morning, looking out over Megunticook Lake with a house full of family I love, weather that feels like an October day in Indiana and wondering if yesterday actually happened.  Much like saying goodbye to Sam, I had to say goodbye to yesterday in the late afternoon.  Just like not having him…

A Bereaved Mother.

Rainbow babies.  I don't ever write about them here - or at least I haven't until now. Do you know how to confirm you're not pregnant?  By holding the pee stick up to the light.  Any glimmer of hope that maybe your eyes seeing with old contacts might be missing a second line will be…

A Thousand Years.

I've often heard Ted share that a difficult part of his journey as a loss Dad revolves around watching me and the pain that ebbs and flows so easily in my life.  I remember sitting in grief counseling with him one night and he shared, "Abby was just so excited to become a Mom" and…