Holidays. Holi-daze.

As cooler temperatures are upon us, fall festivals approaching and the holidays around the corner I can't help but think of Sam.  My birthday is in two weeks and I know exactly what I was doing this time last year.  Ted took me on a get-away, mini-vacation for the weekend to Madison, Indiana where we…

MamaRoo & Energy.

It's funny what we spend our energy on when we're preparing for the arrival of a baby.  I spent all the extra minutes of my day making sure everything was just perfect for Sam when he arrived.  Ted likes to joke that I started "nesting" the moment I found out we were pregnant.  To a…

I almost made it.

I almost made it through an entire day of work.  So damn close. Today was my first full day back to work and I was so excited about it last night that I had a hard time sleeping.  I was excited to wake up, fix my hair, have purpose to my day, see people I…

Happiness & Normalcy.

I haven't blogged in a couple of weeks.  Mostly because life has kept us busy and that's something to celebrate!  The last few weeks have felt magical.  We flew to Naples, Florida and stayed at Ted's parents house just the two of us.  I didn't realize how refreshing and rejuvenating the trip would be until…

Flying with God.

I write to you from the sky. My mom has previously told me when she flew she felt closer to Sam. I didn't understand until today. But looking out my window and over the clouds has made me feel just a little closer to Sam's spirit; above the earth and closer to the heavens. This…

Ours. His.

A lot of thoughts and emotions roll through your mind when you're laying in your hospital bed awaiting your c-section.  I was prepped for surgery the same night we went to the hospital and received the news Sam was still.  The next morning, awaiting his birth, I remember being anxious for all of the unknowns. …

The life that should have been.

Wishing a peace filled day to Max and his parents. This Mama captures so perfectly the love we have for our little boys that at times, can seem so far away.

“I will grieve for the rest of my life for everything he was and everything he could have been. ..All I can do is hold him in my heart, all I can do is celebrate surviving, is celebrate the change he has made in my life. I do not love him an ounce less than I would have if he were sat giggling in my arms. Today, though our world is far from what it should have been, I celebrate that love.”

Looking for Stars

Max is growing up in my mind. It’s not an unexpected fact. I knew from other bereaved parents that it was likely to happen, and yet the extent and clarity of it has been simultaneously a comfort and a torture.

He should be 6 months old today.

In the real world it’s a sad milestone. It’s 6 months and a day since our worlds fell apart. It’s 6 months and a day since his heart stopped beating and since ours shattered into a million pieces.  It is 6 months since I gave birth to him, since I first looked at his beautiful face, since the ear shattering silence of that moment finally confirmed that there had been no mistake, that the ridiculous, unthinkable news we had heard 24 hour earlier was true, that we would never hear his cry or see his smile.

In a quiet but insistent partition of…

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Sam lives. Jesus lives.

A couple of weeks ago I was digging under my sink and found these.  Before I was pregnant, I never understood why Mamas would take pictures of them, let alone keep them.  I always told myself I wouldn't because it sounded strange - but I did.  The moment I laid eyes on them again, I cried.…

Matters of the heart.

Two beautiful babies were born today and two sweet pregnancy announcements filled my Facebook.  Happiness and pain encompass me tonight. The theme of my week has revolved around breath.  In yoga, you focus your attention on the breath.  {in and out. in and out}  I picked up a copy of Thich Nhat Hanah's Happiness which…