Today I was reminded there are no right and wrong choices when you're grieving; it just is. Christmas was a foggy day yesterday, theoretically and literally. I awoke to a fog that never left our tiny southern Indiana town. The weather was as confused as I was about the day, leaving a cloud over my…
Tag: grieving mother
Seeing the Unseen.
As we grow older we learn that the things we really want for Christmas are not things at all. If I had it my way, Santa would bring me Sam. I took the day off work today to prepare for our annual friends White Elephant Christmas Party. My morning started by greeting our plumber who…
Tears Like Rain.
I had my hair highlighted yesterday by my girlfriend, Jessica. I love getting my hair done. We agreed it’s like a fresh start once you look in the mirror and think to yourself man, my hair looks bad. This morning I woke up determined to make it a good day. I rose early, showered, fixed my…
Ember to Ashes.
Earlier this week Ted decided it would be a good idea to call our grief counselor and schedule a time to see him. Jim, our counselor, scheduled us to come in right away. The last time we saw him, around five months ago, we left our time together open ended because we all agreed Ted…
Day 3 – What It Felt Like.
I've been thinking about today's blog all day. What It Felt Like - "..give the outside world some insight into what it is like to be a bereaved parent by sharing a certain experience.." I've been playing over in my mind what feeling is most important to capture this year. Do I share about the…
Day 2 – Who They Are.
Sam Benjamin Newton {May 24, 2015} Our sweetest Sam was born at 36.5 weeks. He was delivered at six pounds, one ounce. Our Little Lion {September 19, 2016} I miscarried our rainbow baby "lion" at eight weeks pregnant. For both of our babies, who they are is much more than their birth that was simultaneously…
Deep Grief and Great Love.
A constant state of emptiness surrounds me. A hole, now larger than the size of Sam ripped open to make room for Lion, exists within me. Before we were discharged from the ER, three different nurses on three different occasions had the lack of bedside manner to wish me a "Happy Early Birthday". They were…
Inside I’m Screaming.
Do you remember being a child and wanting something really bad? Then your parents tell you you cannot have it and immediately, your response is to break down. It doesn't matter where you are. There's no relief because you're not getting what you want so you throw a fit. You cry and you scream and…
Bleeding with a Broken Heart.
Meet Lion, I've been carrying her {Yes, her. I will never know but I thought our second baby was a girl. I thought Sam was a boy. Call it Mother's intuition.} around with me since yesterday. I've shared before but I'll share again that the day we left the hospital after Sam was born Ted…
When Death Chose Me.
Tonight I had dinner with a dear friend and she asked me how I was doing. She asked me how I was really doing. Lately I've found that anyone who ever asks me that question anymore are loss Moms. I love being asked with sincerity how I really feel. I looked her in the eyes…
Thinking of Sam 