Inside I’m Screaming.

Do you remember being a child and wanting something really bad?  Then your parents tell you you cannot have it and immediately, your response is to break down.  It doesn't matter where you are.  There's no relief because you're not getting what you want so you throw a fit.  You cry and you scream and…

A Bereaved Mother.

Rainbow babies.  I don't ever write about them here - or at least I haven't until now. Do you know how to confirm you're not pregnant?  By holding the pee stick up to the light.  Any glimmer of hope that maybe your eyes seeing with old contacts might be missing a second line will be…

A Thousand Years.

I've often heard Ted share that a difficult part of his journey as a loss Dad revolves around watching me and the pain that ebbs and flows so easily in my life.  I remember sitting in grief counseling with him one night and he shared, "Abby was just so excited to become a Mom" and…

Flood Yourself with Love.

Recently I was having a conversation with a friend and he asked me how I was with God.  It didn't take much time for me to respond, "For the first time in my life, I'm really not sure."  I shared with him that often times I wonder - why me, to which his voice returns…

When Death Chose Me.

Tonight I had dinner with a dear friend and she asked me how I was doing.  She asked me how I was really doing.  Lately I've found that anyone who ever asks me that question anymore are loss Moms.  I love being asked with sincerity how I really feel.  I looked her in the eyes…

Capture Your Grief – A Self Portrait.

Those of you who are friends with me on Facebook know I attempted to take part in the 'Capture Your Grief' project.  Capture Your Grief is an event hosted in the month of October which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. There are 31 subjects, one for each day in the month of October. …

The Depths of Sadness. The Breadth of Happiness.

I was driving home from work today, crying like I typically do.  I've come to realize over the - what's about to be - five months that before Sam died, I really had no concept of the possible depths of my sadness.  My greatest hope then, is that I really have no sense of the possible…

Holidays. Holi-daze.

As cooler temperatures are upon us, fall festivals approaching and the holidays around the corner I can't help but think of Sam.  My birthday is in two weeks and I know exactly what I was doing this time last year.  Ted took me on a get-away, mini-vacation for the weekend to Madison, Indiana where we…

MamaRoo & Energy.

It's funny what we spend our energy on when we're preparing for the arrival of a baby.  I spent all the extra minutes of my day making sure everything was just perfect for Sam when he arrived.  Ted likes to joke that I started "nesting" the moment I found out we were pregnant.  To a…