A constant state of emptiness surrounds me. A hole, now larger than the size of Sam ripped open to make room for Lion, exists within me. Before we were discharged from the ER, three different nurses on three different occasions had the lack of bedside manner to wish me a "Happy Early Birthday". They were…
Tag: stillbirth
Inside I’m Screaming.
Do you remember being a child and wanting something really bad? Then your parents tell you you cannot have it and immediately, your response is to break down. It doesn't matter where you are. There's no relief because you're not getting what you want so you throw a fit. You cry and you scream and…
A Bereaved Mother.
Rainbow babies. I don't ever write about them here - or at least I haven't until now. Do you know how to confirm you're not pregnant? By holding the pee stick up to the light. Any glimmer of hope that maybe your eyes seeing with old contacts might be missing a second line will be…
A Thousand Years.
I've often heard Ted share that a difficult part of his journey as a loss Dad revolves around watching me and the pain that ebbs and flows so easily in my life. I remember sitting in grief counseling with him one night and he shared, "Abby was just so excited to become a Mom" and…
I’m OK.
I saw this photo and found it fitting. I'm broken, it reads. It resonates with me on so many levels. So often I answer, "I'm okay" when someone asks me how I'm doing. Most of the time I mean it. I am okay. But faintly written on the outskirts of my response is my heart's…
Flood Yourself with Love.
Recently I was having a conversation with a friend and he asked me how I was with God. It didn't take much time for me to respond, "For the first time in my life, I'm really not sure." I shared with him that often times I wonder - why me, to which his voice returns…
Grief.
I've been crying tonight. I laid next to Ted in bed and shared how sad I feel. I told him that the last time I remember being genuinely happy was on my birthday two years ago. Ted took me to Madison, Indiana for the weekend where we were carefree in our celebrations. As life has…
On Meditation.
One year ago today I discovered yoga and tonight, meditation. Tonight my yoga teacher started a summer series of a free community meditation wherein we focused on our breath. We had a few minutes of time leftover after the guided meditation ended for an open discussion on what we experienced during our practice. I was…
You Are Stronger Than You Think You Are.
This morning I found myself stretching into a longer Virabhadrasana II in response to my teacher lovingly telling me to lengthen myself across my mat. Once I settled back into the pose she said, "You are stronger than you think you are." I awoke wondering what freedom might greet me today. I spent a fun weekend…
Silent Nights.
I was so physically exhausted towards the end of my work day today that when a co-worker requested someone go two floors down to pick up some paperwork I sheepishly asked an office mate to do it. I was too afraid if I stood up and walked down the stairs, I might not make it back…
Thinking of Sam 