During my pregnancy I read a few different books and articles on breastfeeding. So many times people asked me if I planned to breastfeed and I always had. After Sam was born I was told I would still produce milk because Sam was a late term loss. The only way to suppress the milk is to bind myself daily and nightly until I “dry up”. I was terrified.
Naturally, I started reading about milk suppression after stillbirths and mastitis could occur if I became engorged. I vividly remember telling my Mom I couldn’t handle anything else. Especially mastitis.
So every evening I wear a sports bra to bed and Ted wraps me in an ace bandage. A week ago I was convinced things were better as I was standing in my closet trying to pick out an outfit. I decided it should be a normal bra day and the moment I did, I started leaking. Last night I decided maybe enough time had passed and slept “free” to awake to wetness.
While I thank God parts of my body are responding the way they should if Sam were here; I struggle with the physical reminder that he is not.
This morning I keep thinking about the manna God provided to the Israelites in the wilderness. His sustenance to His people for forty years that fell “down on the camp with the dew during the night.” (Numbers 11:9) They grew tired of eating what God was providing. They missed His blessing amidst their disappointment.
I’ve had a particularly difficult time when people tell me we will be blessed from our loss. On Sunday the church sang ‘It is Well’ and Ted and I both agreed it is not well. Not in this moment. We are disappointed but may we not miss His blessing. We pray that our hearts would be open to what God is providing.
Moses tell us “He humbled you by … feeding you with manna … He did it to teach you that people do not live by bread alone; rather, we live by every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord.” (Deuteronomy 8:3) Jesus taught us He is the true bread that came down from heaven. Anyone who eats this bread … will live forever. (John 6:58)
I may still be producing milk that doesn’t get to nourish my baby but I have a Sustainer who is. I may be more than disappointed with the way life has turned out but I pray we can welcome His blessings. I may not feel that ‘it is well’ but I trust that with Jesus we will live forever. Forever with Sam.
When there’s nothing good in me
You are love, You are love
On display for all to see
You are light, You are light
When the darkness closes in
You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy
You’re the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life,
In You death has lost its sting
I’m running to Your arms
The riches of Your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign