As cooler temperatures are upon us, fall festivals approaching and the holidays around the corner I can’t help but think of Sam. My birthday is in two weeks and I know exactly what I was doing this time last year. Ted took me on a get-away, mini-vacation for the weekend to Madison, Indiana where we stayed at a local Bed & Breakfast, visited all the wineries, ate at all the fun restaurants, and filled our day with coffee shops and antique shopping. It was the best birthday yet!
I remember coming home from our trip and my Mom saying, “It looks like you drank a lot of wine. I was hoping you were making a baby!” How silly of her not to recognize wine and making babies blend together beautifully!
October rolled around and we held a very small, precious and beautiful secret that Sam was growing inside of me. By far the best birthday present I could ever receive.
We attended weddings..
With the best secret any two people could keep.
Thanksgiving arrived and it was finally time to share our news! We waited until it was time to say the Thanksgiving prayer and Ted shared with our entire family that we were pregnant! It was such a joyous moment full of shouts of excitement, hugs, happy tears, and love. I immediately pulled out the shirts I had made for some of Sam’s cousins and took a photo that we would use to announce to the world that we were pregnant!
By the time Christmas, 2014 rolled around I would spend most of my days daydreaming about the year to come. I remember Ted and I joking that last year would be the last year we receive presents. That our sweetest Sam would have an abundance of gifts from his Mama and Dad, his Grandma and Grambo, his Aunts and Uncles, just like his cousins. We chatted about picking out our Christmas tree, like we do every year, and how I would have to drive separate with Sam, so our tree could fit in the car.
We just knew as we welcomed in the new year that it was going to offer us so many new things. A new beginning. A new life. A new love. A new happiness.
Now as the weeks keep passing, I continue to grow more anxious.
I find that each time it rains and the glow of the sun disappears, tears fall a little easier. I know winter is coming. I know the season of cold days are looming near. I know the holidays have to be celebrated. I know I can’t hide from any of these truths. I know how desperately I would like to.
I could skip my birthday. I could skip Thanksgiving. I could skip Christmas. I don’t want there to be a new year. I want this year. I want Sam.
Time continues to pass and what a difference a year can make.
Thanksgiving, 2015 my sweet Sam will be six months old. As the days pass, so Sam grows in my mind. How I wish we were toting him around to our families homes. Letting him taste the sweetness of my Mom’s sweet potato pie and the softness of my Grandma’s mashed potatoes.
As Christmas approaches I ache for my daydreams of little toys and boy clothes sitting wrapped under our tree. I so desperately desire to have Sam in my arms opening presents, watching his eyes gleam as we decorate our tree and waiting for a stocking full of presents from the elves. I wish I could send Christmas cards to all my friends and family with a large picture of our baby smiling in some Christmas outfit or maybe a hat.
When the year passes another piece of me will too. A lot of love and life happened in 2015. A big death happened in 2015. Not just Sam but in me. A piece of my heart and happiness will forever rest with my little boy.
So as the year comes to a close I continue to ask you to give me grace. The more Mamas I meet who have lost their sweet ones the more I realize we’re all the same. We want our babies to be remembered. We want our babies to be loved. We want our babies lives to be celebrated. We want our babies.
So I ask you to honor them this holiday season.
Write their names.
Tell us you’re thinking of them.
Write them Christmas cards.
Light a candle during your holiday celebrations.
Tell your children about ours.
Remember our empty arms.