I'm finding myself feeling much like our weather today. Grey clouds with scattered showers and secret glimpses of a blue sky and a bright sun. My heart is filled with a grey heaviness, my tears scattered throughout my day and my hope lying in the moments of peace where my son finds me. I've been following Dalun's…
Author: abbylnewton
Acceptance.
It's been said that a picture is worth a thousand words but I say they're worth so much more. I plugged in my flash drive last night that keeps all my old iPhone photos. This particular flash drive holds a lot of my pregnancy photos that when taken, I didn't think much about. Now I…
Grief Work.
I've never worked so hard as I have on grief work. In the valleys of grief you find yourself questioning how you're supposed to respond in every situation, trying to identify how you feel in every situation and balancing others expectations of you. I've come to realize that my grief work is selfish, but it…
I’m Overwhelmed.
I shared on my personal Facebook page today that when I got to work this morning I received a message from a friend with the following picture that said, "Looked like you all were up here already but I plowed the road and cleaned off Sam's area." I sat at my computer and just stared…
I feel your absence, Sam.
Sam's headstone has been a work in progress. This evening Ted received an email with the final mock-up and it was beautiful. Simple but exactly like we've hoped for, since we have to hope for such a thing. I've come a long way from the first time we went to look at headstones. I remember…
Carousel of Grief.
We've almost finished the first month of this new year. Now we've entered into year where all the babies born last year become a year older. Now I find myself at disbelief that in four months a year will be the distance between me and Sam. January was the first time I started marking my…
Carry On.
I've run for the fourth day in a row this week. I know to some it's no big deal. You might be saying to yourself that there have only been four days this week, so what's the big deal? When I was 30 weeks pregnant I remember feeling totally self conscious. The 'I can't wait…
Silent Nights.
I was so physically exhausted towards the end of my work day today that when a co-worker requested someone go two floors down to pick up some paperwork I sheepishly asked an office mate to do it. I was too afraid if I stood up and walked down the stairs, I might not make it back…
Full Awareness of Full Denial.
Giving birth to a stillborn baby makes your reality so confusing. Everything about me says I've had a baby and everything about me says I don't have a baby. My mind keeps trying to catch up with what my body already knows. I physically knew those first few weeks I was without Sam. My breast…
Capture Your Grief – A Self Portrait.
Those of you who are friends with me on Facebook know I attempted to take part in the 'Capture Your Grief' project. Capture Your Grief is an event hosted in the month of October which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. There are 31 subjects, one for each day in the month of October. …
Thinking of Sam 